I had another article written up but I’m still tweaking it a bit, so here’s an edited and expanded version of something I wrote on Instagram over a month ago that I believe speaks to where I am at life in my attitude towards friendships. Enjoy!

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What’s worse: to be lonely or to be surrounded by people who treat you unfairly? I’ve thought about it a lot, having experienced both.

Being lonely hurts. We are social creatures, after all. It’s why prolonged solitary confinement is considered cruel punishment. It’s why social isolation is considered unhealthy, and potentially even fatal. Yet sometimes we have no choice. We can go out and meet people, like they say, but there’s no guarantee those people will want to meet back. Even if they do, they may not want to hang around long. Maybe you’re no longer interesting to them, or don’t share the same interests, or you’re a different gender and they believe that males and females can’t be friends. It hurts, particularly if you had hoped this time would be different, but you accept it. Friendship, much like any relationship, is a two way agreement, and if one doesn’t want any part of it then that’s their right and you must accept it. But it still bloody hurts.

Yet being surrounded by people who disrespect you is worse, in my opinion. Sure, they might include you in their social activities and it might feel like you’ve found your group at first. But soon you realise that you’re not really part of the group at all. You’re there for the group’s amusement. They laugh at you, mock you, misrepresent you to each other and to others. They begin to purposely exclude you, letting you know after the fact that you were excluded in order to see your reaction. They stand you up at social events after promising to be there, then try to guilt you when you confront them. You feel lonely again, but lonely in a crowd, which feels worse. And it is worse, because you find your dignity robbed too. At least you can hold on to that when you’re alone.

Like I said, I’ve experienced both. I’m currently feeling a lot more disconnected from certain friendships I made, or thought I made, and it’s made me think about the nature of friendships and loneliness, and that maybe just being included isn’t enough if there’s no mutual respect. We all need to make boundaries in our life to prevent people from exploiting or harming us, and if that means cutting off people who don’t respect those boundaries then so be it. Though I may feel isolated these days and haven’t yet been able to ‘find my tribe’, so to speak, I have no regrets about ending the friendships with those who treated me badly, only that they themselves could never learn enough mutual respect to keep the friendship going. In the end we all deserve to be loved, but not at the expense of our dignity, self-esteem or personal safety.