Today is R U OK? Day in Australia. It’s a day meant to raise awareness about mental health and suicide: how people may be suffering in silence and isolation, and that we should check on each other. In other words, ask each other: “Are you OK?”. At least, that’s the idea. A very good idea, I believe. But somewhere along the way, I feel the message has been misunderstood at best, and misrepresented at worst. I feel that whatever the intentions of R U OK? Day are being ignored in favour of a superficial, insincere catchphrase that ends up doing more harm than good.

So, here’s my personal issue with R U OK? Day. A couple of years ago I was working in an office job where I was deeply unhappy. I won’t go into the specifics of why I was unhappy there as there are too many reasons to list. Nonetheless, I was at a point where I felt particularly undervalued, ostracised and with no positive future in sight. Ironically, this day where I was feeling particularly low happened to be R U OK? Day. It was announced via email that there would be a corporate morning tea (if you aren’t Australian, think elevenses or something like that, with lots of finger food like small cakes and sausage rolls). I decided to go along, hoping that someone would talk to me and make me feel better.

The morning tea was held in the main function room. There were plates with finger food laid out on tables in the middle of the room. There were people there I didn’t recognise dressed in R U OK? Day shirts, arranging activities like skittles games and table tennis. There were staff members there, gathered in little groups, chatting away with their finger food on small paper plates. I stood there for a while, wondering if someone would notice me. Maybe see how I was. Ask me: “Are you OK?”. But no one did. I tried to make eye contact with the people in R U OK? Day shirts. A few just glared at me and walked past, more concerned with setting up their activities. The staff members continued chatting and munching on their food, oblivious to my existence. I’ve said before that the one thing worse than being alone is being alone in a crowd, and I truly felt alone in this one. I left soon after to go somewhere private to let my emotions out.

It dawned on me that day: there was absolutely nothing there in that corporate morning tea about the message of R U OK? Day. That morning tea was never about mental health or anything like that. It was just an excuse to munch on some sausage rolls and catch up on gossip. The message was completely lost. Yet I feel it’s the same across many such environments: lip service is paid to mental health issues, but nothing ever changes in the culture to address these issues. So why not just use a mental health awareness day as an excuse for an office party? Job done, there you go, we addressed the issue. What more do you want?

There’s another issue I have with R U OK? Day, and that’s in the title itself. The idea is to encourage people to ask each other how they are doing and listen. But how many are doing that? How many feel that uttering the catchphrase “R U OK?” is enough. How many of them are prepared to listen when the answer is “No”? Because if you ask someone how they are, you better be prepared to listen. No comments, no judgements, no advice unless asked for. Just listen, and show that you understand. Ultimately, though, I fear that many people think saying “R U OK?” is enough, like they’re part of the in-crowd when they ask it, and they feel good about themselves whether they’ve helped anyone or not. But if the words spoken are insincere, then it can be just as harmful as if nothing is said at all.

I can’t help but be reminded of that Ice Bucket Challenge craze that was popular years ago. The idea was to film yourself pouring ice-cold water over your head to raise awareness for ALS. Yet I wonder how many of those who took part actually knew or cared about the cause and how many just did it because it was the latest social media fad. I’ve seen several such incidents on social media where a bunch of people do some act or make a black and white selfie yet no one remembers what the original cause was that these acts were meant to highlight. So in the end you have a bunch of people joining in because it’s popular with no knowledge or interest in the original issue it was meant to address. I fear that R U OK? Day is just as susceptible to becoming a fad without context.

That said, I don’t doubt the sincerity of those who created R U OK? Day, or those who are working as ambassadors for the cause, or those who may have actually been helped by this campaign. After all, the Ice Bucket Challenge did manage to raise $US220 million for ALS research so such campaigns can still be successful even if many people miss the point. I do also note in recent years the R U OK? Day campaign was encouraging people to follow up with people, and not just ask “Are you OK?” and leave it at that. Still, having seen how it has played out in the world, I just feel that the message isn’t really getting through. Just like those who switch off lights during Earth Hour but don’t give a thought to the environment any other time of the year, if you really care and want to make a difference, don’t just wait for one day a year to care how others are doing. Be there for someone because you care about them, or because you can see that they need it. Because the one thing worse than feeling like nobody cares is feeling like people are pretending to care, especially if it’s for social media fame or a chance to be in on the latest fad.